Educating myself...rambling too!

So I am three weeks into school. Balancing the stress of the Governments End of Year at work and having to put in over time, while making the most of every second with my kids, playing with them both and teaching them to take turns and share and just laugh, to giving them each some quality one on one time too. Two online classes I'm not guaranteeing A's in but will pass and two in person classes that I love but don't feel I'm getting the most of. Though I am stressed for once I love it because I am Empowering myself. I am understanding myself better, myself as Mom, myself as the employee that really does love her job but it's not always a positive feeling and that works against my own personal struggle. My instructor said tonight and it's really stuck to me..."You can achieve the one thing no one can take away. You are receiving the education. No one can take that back and you can never lose it, no matter what you do." That's pretty powerful to me!

I further understand the the flaws and weakness and fears I have in myself, but I also see my achievements and my strengths. I have found that I am proud to be me and be so imperfectly, perfect because I'm still getting stronger. I understand how to just let it go! I have already learned how to love myself and be proud of who I am and the walk I've walked. I now learn not just what a Survivor is but how to live like one truly learn from my experiences. Part of healing and "managing" myself and PTSD is learning happiness is ok and won't always mean hurt. It means not holding my breath as I smiled. It means being alive today to be proud of the hits I took because at least I learned from them. It's about not expecting or trying to predict the next breaking moment. Now I just live. I do what I HAVE to so that one day I will be doing what I LOVE to. One day I will be healed enough and be able to help people; people like who I was.

It wasn't long ago I thought I had no fight, I had no confidence, I had no trust in anyone and I had no strength left for any of it all. Every second away from my kids hurt like hell and it just all got to me. I didn't want to be here anymore but as I was tryng to "just do it" all I could think of is how it would hurt everyone I loved. while everyone, besides my kids ~that's unconditional~, that I loved didn't see how bad I needed help even from them. I was getting help professionally but no one ever knew. They never asked. I had one person though. Everyone wants to continue to hate for that friendship but while I self destructed with the abuse I took from him; no of those judges were there holding me as you all helped make the pain of being away from my children even worse. See it was so bad at that time I wanted to go back and chance losing my life this time and since I knew no one would be here for me if I went back to J, I chose to continue my dissolution. My support system couldn't hear or see the pain being away from the only two people I had give myself to every second of their life's until now. I had one person and he was a true friend. He was as bad as I was mentally and emotionally. I felt his pain! I know he felt mine. I trusted him with all I am and I know he did me too, both at several points in time. We had enough struggles in our self that we clashed hard at times. It all came down to...his words "when you have an education then you can tell me how to feel"

Guess what? I'm getting it. First, for myself. Second, for him and any other person like how I was and how I believe he still is, though I still do pray he "managing" well. If you weren't around to see either of us you wouldn't understand. I am and always will be thankful for him. I will always have a chip in my heart from him as well. But he's a long part of my path that got me to where I am.....Thanks Link! Always!

Ok and the point of the story is...I'm learning more about myself and I love me! I love the path I'm on! It's the right one for a change. I am in control and NO ONE will take that from me, no matter how tired I get!