Facing Fears

A few months back I started facing my fears head on. It's ultimately empowering. Yet the actions can sometimes be overwhelming, terrifying, blood pumping, heart racing, guard completely up, and so what's needed.

The only person that knows me inside and out completely is me. I know my head, my heart, my body, my limits, as well as my strength, pride, drive and ability. It up to me and only be to make myself a success. I am my own biggest fan, my own supporter and my own judge.

SO I am learning to face the fears, revisit the past in order to properly put those memories where they belong, where they don't control me, where they don't slow me down. A few months back, as I stated before, I started this path. I made the decision to face this head on.

I got up one morning and went to a movie, by myself. To know me, I never though I'd be able to. I know to most it's not a big deal, but that day turned into a day of courage for me. I found myself consciously and unconsciously making decisions that pin pointed very specific fears. Dark, being trapped, vulnerable, and still being able to relax and enjoy my life.

So the movies were dark, I sat close to an exit still but not half way between two. I sat against the wall instead of at the end of the aisle. I turned 3 times when the door opened that I can specifically recall. An elderly woman also there alone. A lady maybe in her late twenties who was later joined by her friend. The lights dimmed and the movie started. I laughed cried and loved the movie completely. Then the lights came on and as I looked around I remember thinking "where'd these people come from?" The door should have opened at least 4 more times for the couples that now were in here. I never turned to see them enter. I let my guard down and enjoyed a movie. Simple, happy and safe!

I left there and found myself driving. Proud and happy but a tad anxious.
As I turned on Keowee I realized where I was heading. It's like the survivor in me was leading the way. I was ready to face the new nightmares that wouldn't go away. Memories that had been suppressed. As I turned onto Xenia Ave. my heart was racing. I was taking in everything that moved around me. Cell phone tight to me as only defense. I turned on Parrot and it was like living it again. I sat at the stop sign looking where that house use to be. This was not a safe neighborhood then and it was worse now. The trapped feeling and panic set it. I was breathing fast and was shaking. I was terrified as I reached the dead end having to turn around and go back past again to get out. I didn't look over to the lot as I past the second time. In my head was I seeing enough.

Almost like instinct I turned left at the stop sign and headed to the second house. Where I lost it all. Where more than one memory came from. Where his serious drug abuse hurt us deep. Where the fear to be alone grew beyind healthy limits. Where everything that bumps in the night terrifies me and the dog bought to protect me! Where I learned what being homeless feels like. I took a picture there. The only thing that had changed was for the first time the police weren't sitting outside busting up a fight or some drug deal. I didn't hear shots while driving through either but hey not even the speed bumps slowed me when anxiety and panic set it.

I found myself driving again. Through the country somewhat. Until I realized where I was going this time. As I turned on Wildcat Rd, another memory arose and I came back to life and realized why I was here. The road was shorter now due to business popping up. About a quarter mile from that place was a guard rail stopping me from gong all the way down there. Humiliation and raw pain. Where we got into an argument from tension from earlier in the night. I got out of the car and stood by the guardrail and let it replay in my head.

It was dark that night, and I can't remember even who all was in the car. I had gotten out and started walking. I turned around a few times and he was just staring at me. It was chilly and I had calmed just enough to know I didn't want to walk home and turned back to the car. He punched the gas and hit me. Square in the thigh on the side as I tried to move out of the way. I could hear him laughing as he drove off. I don't even know how long it was before he came back. Everyone was laughing at me. People that were suppose to be my friends. Him who was suppose to love me. I was covered in dirt and picking gravel out of my arms, hands, legs and side. I was crying, hurting and very scared. Everyone was laughing.

Right now I can't write more...Anymore it's not the facing the memory that frightens me, it's letting it out, it's putting it into words, and not being ashamed to do so.

One Day At A Time!