Becoming a helper

In this crazy mixed up world of mine, I have good days and bad days but all my days are completed with a head over running in thoughts. I focus all my time and energy on the kids when they are here and when they are gone all my time and energy on school. Problem being I'm not balancing well and need more organization. While I have learned to manage myself I am continuously trying to better organize every aspect of my life. A saying I've read and like is "I need more hands. These hands are full." While I like that and so much truth lies in it, I personally want to be able to handle everything with only my two hands.

So here's my head tonight...

I chose mental health for so many reasons. One being myself, my experiences and my struggles. The second being the need and want to help others and be experienced and qualified in doing so. The third being the need to make a difference and feel that I have mattered. The forth being I want to pay all my bills and save for my future with one decent paying career. All of which, I have learned, are exactly reasons to enter the field. So for once, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.

In school, I am excelling in two classes, ones that come "easy" to me. Mental Health Technology 101 which is all about learning me and bringing out what "issues" I still need to better manage and also evaluating why I want to be a helper. It's easy to see why I have an A in this class. The second is English. I can write though I struggled with my 3rd essay, an evaluation essay. I think this is mainly because I don't have enough time to get out and enjoy the world around me because my world is so full. So now we are on to the 4th essay and I need to pick a topic for an argumentative essay by Friday. All big issues, eg. abortion, capitol punishment etc are off limits...oh I need a topic.

My other two classes, I'm failing as I've stated before and I am more than disappointed in myself. In communications I have missed 3 assignments due to simply missing deadlines. I failed my two exams though and I don't know why. I took communications before and aced it. So now I try to pull off a miracle and earn a C. The forth class s Psychology. I love it but my professor spends the majority of 3 hours off topic or simply answering questions about what's on the next exam. This frustrates me to no end! First, we're college students. How about realizing that the exam will be about the chapters we are covering at the time! Second, YOU'RE the teacher...TEACH US ALREADY! I have a high D here and know I will pull a C at least. Next semester I Will take Psychology 126 online and Will most likely be retaking communication IN PERSON!

So Monday is my MHT class and my teacher is FABULOUS. I love her! She gains control of the class when they dwell too long on one topic. She is unorganized in an organized manor and focuses on what wee need to learn! She is very approachable and I am thoroughly enjoying being her student. This class, as I stated before, is about finding out about ourselves and how we need to better ourselves to be effective helpers as well as giving us an introduction to what being a helper is. This class makes me think and think a lot. As soon as I figure out how to fit it in my schedule I WILL be back in therapy. NOT because I'm not managing well, but because I do still have some unresolved issues I don't want to hinder me in my work. I still have to better manage myself. What do I think that means?...

This is how I see it now...

I'm a survivor of domestic violence. I live as a survivor but it still consumes me some days. I have lived though and overcome events that should have taken my life more than one time. I am still undoing 12 years of emotional and mental abuse on top of physical abuse. I have faced and learned to over come a lot of suppressed memories over the last few months. I have properly put away the beatings I took that have never left my head. I have healed a very shattered heart. I am still learning to trust not only those people I love dearly but also myself and my decisions. I heard too many times "just get over it" and every time it pissed me off to no end. Now I can see their frustrations these people had with me, but I want them to understand it's not about "just getting over it" it's about managing it properly and living with my past.

I have learned to forgive J, but I have also learned that I still have a lot of unresolved hate for him that I need to deal with! There are days I'm just ok being a survivor and having to have contact with him and there are days I hate the fact that man can walk freely and is now teaching my kids racism (yes I have a video to prove it too) and teach my kids to hate women. NO 3 or 5 year old should know the word cunt or look anyone in the eye and say I hate you bitch. He denies where it comes from but when you observe your child doing this and their posture is the same as their dad and they are in your face exactly how he use to be... you know EXACTLY where it's coming from. So what do I do? The courts are no help. The system screwed me and failed me miserably!

And there we go...started on a good note and ending on a bad one...

I'm done for now!