Fear of Failing

I'm stuck on confused. Stuck on what to do. So many things are so good in my life and it truly is hard to accept that. I focus, again, on what's not good. Failing. Flunking two classes. One I know I can pull up at least to a C and the other I now have until Friday to decide if I withdraw from it. If I do where Will I fit it back into my schedule to graduate in 2 years. Then I'm picking my classes for next semester on the 2nd of November. One more quarter of 12 credit hours and then two quarters of 16 credit hours. How in the hell will I do it? I want to cut back at work to 32 hours a week and that way I know I can balance both. Work, however, will most likely fire me for it. Do I risk it?

Love...if I never had it would I miss it so much now? Then again have I ever really had it? A question I may never know the answer to unless I find love. What I Miss most is someone to fall into on those bad days. Someone to take the lonely away especially when my kids aren't here. All I know is I am making careless mistakes that are out of my character. I don't like that. I find someone I am attracted to and I'm terrified to ask if he wants to go have a beer or dinner. I let my heart feel for a man thousands of miles away and tonight I question why again. I come to the conclusion that he's not close enough to hurt me, at least not physically.

All week long I cried myself to sleep. Some nights from pure exhaustion. Some nights from being overwhelmed. Most nights I just wrap my arms as tight around myself as I can so that I could try to feel like I was being held again. I lay here in the dead silence and cry like a baby wishing someone would just put there arms around me and tell me to let it out and that everything is going to be ok.

What I have accomplished in the last few months is that I have let go of the people from my past that hurt me; J and Link both. I haven't completely escaped the nightmares and insecurities yet, I don't have my self-esteem where I would like it to be, but I am proud of myself and I am happy. I do love my life I just know I am ready for the next step. I know I am ok being alone but now want to start the journey to interact with the idea to love again and allow myself to be loved in a healthy way. I just don't know where or how to start.

My life is nothing what I thought it would be. I never thought that in only 2 and a half years I would be able to give my kids this house and their own rooms. I never thought I could look at myself in the mirror and like who I see looking back at me. I never thought I'd be ok with thinking of my past. I never thought I'd be in school and that I would know exactly what I want to do with my life once I finish. But I do.

Some days are still tough. Some days I still break down. Some days I still need people that can't be here. Some days I still don't know how to ask for help, even if it's just needing a drink or dinner with a friend. Most days though I am great. I am strong and I am successful.

Where do I go from here and how do I stop fearing failure?