On Hold

Lately I just feel extremely overwhelmed. It feels that the responsibilties I have are all going to come crashing down at any moment. At work, every morning I walk in nervous to see if our. Contract has been awarded. Rewinning the contract means being able to continue scraping by. Losing it, I think is going to send me right back to where I was three years ago. Honestly, I feel I'm real close to that regardless; so yes I've reached out to take my life back under control. I can't stand the kids going to their dads, it feels like the whole time their gone, I'm glued to my phone waiting for the call to come that the monster in him has snapped.

My nightmares won't stop. They aren't every single night but the majority of the week consists of them. So I am averaging maybe 20 hours a week sleep and usually after a week I crash for a day. I don't understand it. I know I want it to stop. I'm also back to looking over my shoulder everywhere I go if I even go anywhere. I'm all alone and terrified.

I'm not doing great in school. Half my classes I'm passing, half I'm failing. School has been a huge life awakening experience. It makes me aware to a world I never knew existed. I better understand myself and my head; you would think I. Could control this.

For two days now I've been completely alone; it happens every other week. These are my worst days. No one calls, no one comes by, I feel invisible. I never want to be a bother to anyone, anymore it seems that's all I am. Everyone has someone, has happiness, has a life and I just don't fit it. I feel exactly like I did growing up, the chubby little girl that no one loved or had time for.

The van is giving me problems. My rent check will bounce. The sole is ripped off of my Nikes and I can't afford new ones right now. I could go on and on...

The point is...I want to be happy so bad I cry. I want to be loved so badly my heart hurts. I feel isolated from the world and have started shutting down all over again. I am so sick of the ups and downs. I use to take such pride in doing things for others especially Supporting Our Troops; I felt I could make a difference somehow, yet this past week was called a hypocrite and I don't understand that. Maybe I can't make a difference. So for now, I quit trying.

Back to my point, I stopped blogging and went back to holding things in and I got worse. I don't have a happy beautiful life to display to others. I have beautiful kids who I wish so much would be here full time. My only regret in life is that I had no one when I needed someone the most and I was too screwed up from abuse to fight the bastard when I left him. Now I fear not only that my scars won't heal but also that he will hurt them. Eleven and a half hours from now I will drive across town and pick my happiness up and get to smile for two days before sending them back to that monster of a man they call daddy.