I Can Do Better

So the past couple weeks have been emotional and completely draining. I have let some man break me again, something I swore to myself I would never do again. I've gone around in my own head wondering why. I know why though. He was the one for the first time in forever made me feel alive inside and made me feel happy to be me. No man at all has ever done that for me. Yeah at one point J did, but dang it all that was lost in every blow he gave my body, spirit and heart. So why am I holding on to someone that's broke me again? With him I trusted completely and let my guard come crashing down and it felt great. All to be played the fool again. I fell behind in school because so many nights I just cried and it's hard to read through tear filled eyes. I get an email from him stating he can't wait to see me and tell me exactly who and how he is. Why? TO strng me along even more? There's nothing he has to say NOW when it counts?

We all want and long for a companion, someone to share this life with. I do too! Am I ready for it though? Yes and no. I know exactly what I want and deserve in a man. I don't have much time for one until school is out but to think I have to wait that long for companionship is just plain sad. I am a good woman that knows and loves love. I know honesty and fidelity. I know trust and faithfulness. I know kindness and caring. I know laughter and tears. So why is all that pushed aside for someone else with a beautiful body and cold heart? At any point in time I could example 10 men to you that say they want a "good" girl and one that's kind and caring, yet the kind and caring women with real and true hearts are sitting heartbroken wondering why they are still alone.

So what does it take to find "The One"? I've listened to the advice. You can't find one at a bar, or work, or the Internet. So what's that leave? You need to stop looking and one Will find you. OK well I wasn't looking for the last guy when he came around, so that didn't work either.So now what? Is it time to finally be bitter? Is it time to truly learn to be a bitch? Is it time to completely give up?

The piece of advice I've got recently that always seems to stick and toughen me back up is "You can do better." It makes me reevaluate me and think. What does it mean though? The one I'm hung up on is truly playing a game? He's truly not worth my hurt and tears? Or I am a better person?

Right now all I know is I'm lonely. I want someone to heal all the wounds of love by actually being sincere and genuine and honest for a change. I want to be held. Yeah I miss and want sex and intimacy, but I long for tenderness, touch, and security. I Miss cuddling, holding hands and Little kisses. I miss being tickled and laughing. I miss smiles and winks. All those little things! I Miss having someone to come home to.

I've worked so hard the past couple years and have a couple more real tough years to go before I'm where I want to be but I'm so afraid that I Will have to do this completely alone and when I succeed, if I've done it alone all that time, I am afraid by then I Will be bitter and have a wall so high and so strong that no one will be able to break it down. That in itself will be losing every bit of who I am.

The hardest part about living life with my heart is that it is on my sleeve and it gets hurt so much. No matter how many times I always say it won't break or change who I am but my biggest fear is that it will in the end. Am I just a hopeless dreamer or just hopeless in general?