Trust

Trust. It's the basis of every relationship in our lives. It starts from when we're born and carries through until we die. It's why we question and doubt, it's why we take leaps at anything new to us, it's why we lean on people and it's why we push people away. It's a part of every emotion and action in our lives, whether it's earning it, giving it, betraying it or holding true to it. When we love it's with trust. When we learn it's with trust. When we betray it's taking it back.
It goes and and hand with honesty. When people are deceitful is it because they don't have trust in themselves to be original and true? Or is it because they don't have enough trust n others to accept them for whom they are?

Trust is what's on my mind. Why do I trust so easily when I've been betrayed so badly so many times before? Is it because I live with too much heart that others find it so easy to ask for my trust only to shatter it with their own false words, intentions and cold hearts? How do I build up to living truly guarded and only accepting into my life what I truly deserve, instead of finding every unstable, trust breaking, deceiving man on the face of the Earth. Why do I also then hang onto them for so long even after they've shown their true colors?

It's bad enough that I have to put up with the shit from J. It hurts every time my kids leave my safety to the unknown of his unstable world. I hold my trust that there is someone above watching out for them and protecting them the same way I was protected almost three years ago. I too much remember and still feel the blows my body took over and over again and know their tiny little bodies would be hurt way worse than I ever was with only one of his strikes. So now I have to trust completely n myself that I Will make the best decision for them. I will be tough enough to fight this thing through and not let him break or scare me this time around. They are my life, my breath and my heart. I only wish I was this strong over two years ago so that I'm not still fighting the same battle and so that I know every second of their life is protected by the only person willing to give their life for these two perfect children.

Nothing else matters right now and until my fight is won. Not school. Not work. Not some undeserving, game playing, selfish man that truly doesn't see the wrong in what he's doing. The only thing that matters is trusting the system Will not fail me yet again and that I pull every resource to finally win this war I've been fighting for almost 15 years. I will get myself back completely and I will insure that my children are broken of this vicious cycle. My son Will never learn how to beat a woman or hate others for the color of their skin. My daughter will never learn to accept physical abuse as love or demeaning words to shatter her self esteem.

This time I am ready and I will NOT back down and I will not quit until I know my kids and myself are finally safe!