My Lessons to Learn

Some days can just be blah, for lack of better words. Today started and is ending as one of those days. I woke up hung over and really rethinking my actions from last night, a story that won't be told on here. I figured it was a day to just relax and "chill out" and yet spent the day in my own head running in circles yet again. Most days what I lack most is simply conversation. The majority of my morning was spent trying to make conversation with those that too often don't have time and for good reason. So I watched my DVD and I have to say I am in love with Netflix! It's a good way for a struggling single mom to have some sort of entertainment to talk about at say work Christmas parties. It's usually no fun being out of the loop when you tell people "No haven't seen that I don't have TV" Not that I don't own one; actually have three just no cable because it's an expense that's not necessary and can't be afforded at this time. The facts remain that while it doesn't bother me; what does bother me is the look of shock people give you like "oh your poor". Anyways my DVD ended and my mind turned on...

The kids and I are back on the visitation schedule that's in our shared parenting agreement, all because J wants to continue to be the prick he is. Now at the time of court two and a half years ago it's an agreement I had to take because of my work schedule and because I just wasn't strong enough or financially stable enough to fight him on. Trust me if my head was clear and I wasn't so broken of a woman then things would be so much different for me now. I am a better woman for how hard up I set myself up to be after walking away from that marriage with NOTHING! It's a regret but a blessing too. The only thing I need and will change is that shared parenting plan. I know for a fact he's back to getting high which means he's drinking too! We're not going down this road again and I will not let my kids get caught in the cross fire either. This Mommy hurts way too bad when her perfect little kids are away for too long! When I'm financially able to I am starting that war and I will come out the winner!

So other than missing my babies, I'm missing someone else too. Someone that somehow changed my world and my heart. I have always thought that someday a man would come along and love me despite my shattered heart. A few months back that view changed when I "met" someone that honestly healed all the pain from my past that remained in my heart. He's someone that absolutely made me feel like no one ever has before. He opened up a world in me that had been dead long before my kids came along and long before I ever settled and married the only man that had shown me attention. This man, we'll call him "keeper", gave me joy again. He gave me my smile back, the kind of smile that comes from my heart and can be seen and felt for eternity. So even when things turned sour, my heart still felt for him. Keeper went away for a while, understandably. Now he's back though. I think the reason he was sent to my life was to teach me lessons I need to learn in a healthy way; patience, trust, love, confidence, strength and poise.

There is so much I wish I could say to Keeper. So much that needs to be said. Problem is the conversations that need to be had can only be done face to face. So here's where my lessons will be learned and I hope I learn them well. Patience being time that is measured in when his feet hit American soil first. Trust in that his feet will walk on the same soil I walk someday when he has time. Confidence in that, if and when, those first two happen that I have the confidence and strength to just be me at that time. Poise comes into play with the patience and how I handle my up and down emotions while waiting to see if my friendship means something. My lesson in love comes in knowing exactly what my heart feels now and has felt since September. This lesson is the biggest of them all. It's the lesson that's a true struggle for me. J ruined what I thought love was; what I felt love was. My mind constantly fights to put the past out of anything current in my heart. It also plays into how figuring out exactly what my heart s trying to tell me because I've never felt this before and I don't know what it is.

All in all, I take this all one day at a time! I have school to keep me busy and moving forward in becoming a better me. I have my kids to shower with unconditional love and an abundance of memories filled with laughs, smiles and brighter tomorrows. The biggest and most rewarding thing I have in my life is a bestie! She's my better half, my sanity when I feel out of control, my sounding board, unconditional love, complete honesty, trust that can only be measured in stars and the only one I know will always show me it's time to laugh at myself. She'll be here whether I'm smiling or crying. She'll be here whether I'm succeeding or failing. She'll be here when I'm in love or turn out to be the lonely cat woman. She's the only one that knows me completely and loves me just the same!