One of those days?

It's been one of those days. A good day that just turned sad. I succeeded in every way I needed to, in every way I HAVE to. I spent the day in a great mood; happy and accomplished. The old meds are working their way out of my system. My BP is normal and I don't feel like a zombie about ready to have a stroke. I didn't spend the day angry for no reason either. I kicked ass at work and trained my boss on what it is I do and why I am an asset to our company. Got ahead in my school work. Earned TWO A's on tests for my class. Got laundry and dishes done. Found some me time. Watched the DVD that came in the mail.

Now here I am. Lonely and crying. Missing my kids more than words could ever explain. Hoping, praying, wishing, begging God or whoever to kill this loneliness inside me. Reading the words from one of a half dozen men on how great of a woman I am and how any guy would be lucky to have the woman I am. Just words though. My heart is finally chilling out. My hope and faith are running dry.

Yeah I'll make it in this world and become a success and make my Mom, Friends and kids proud. I'll earn my degree and be proud to do so. I'll land a job that does more than leave me scraping by to pay bills and put food on the table. That's the only certainty I have.

I no longer believe I'll find arms to hold me tight even for one night. I can't even find someone to hold a conversation with. It's not about "skin hunger" anymore. It's about purpose and love. It's about companionship, trust, understanding and life. It's something I have to learn to let go of. It's a broken marriage that still haunts my days and nights. I'm too afraid to let my guard down and too damn tough to take anything less than what I want and deserve. Anymore though maybe I just am built to be alone. Who freaking knows.

I guess I just have to get use to the idea that while I build my castle, I have to accept the fact that some Queens never find a King and some children will turn out just fine without a Dad on that throne.

So even the best of days can take the saddest and most lonely turn at night when there's no hope of love left in me. Not a friend to distract me from my tears and no shoulders to cry on. Here in my world everyone is already peacefully asleep in their beds. I wouldn't settle for less than claiming and defending my own life and right to breathe; so I guess I have to accept that being lonely with a tear stained face is much better than being dead by hands that were suppose to love and protect me.

It's bitter sweet isn't it? I chose life over love!