Note to Self...

Dear Self,

First of all stop taking so much to heart. Yes I know that's who you are and that you put heart into all you do in this life, but seriously why let him continue to break you yet again. Don't you see that every step you take to better yourself just pisses him off more? Don't you think he knows exactly what to say to break you just like he broke you for twelve years? Some day, and I hope very soon, you'll see that all those bad things he did to you were NOT YOUR FAULT. Stop taking pity on yourself and stop letting him get to you! J is nothing more than the sperm donor for those babies! Why do you think he faulted back to the custody order? Because he had no other way of getting to you! In good time you Will be ready financially for that fight and to put those kids permanently where they belong. You may even be able to build all three of your lives outside Ohio, but you have to stay focused on the tasks at hand. That is nothing more than working to keep your head above water and finishing school! Nothing less and nothing more! STOP LETTING HIM GET YOU DOWN! YOU KNOW BETTER!

Second, yes honey it's lonely. Yes I know you want more than anything to have a man securely hold the power your heart has. I know babe that you'd give anything to feel arms around you even for one night. One night wouldn't mean anything if they weren't arms that truly knew the blessing they were holding now would it? Patience my dear and you will one day find him! Your heart attaches too easily to good people and especially good men. JB is right that some day some man will see all you have to offer and he will grab ahold and never let go! Stop being so hard on yourself there too. We are finally ready though once the beginning of the year comes...you don't like what you see in the mirror? Change it! Only you can; though you are beautiful just the way you are!

Third, no one said this was all going to be easy. It's just said that in the end it is all going to be worth it! You are doing a great job! You're a great Mom, so what if you can't buy them the best of clothes or the biggest toys. You love them "as many as there are stars in the sky" NO ONE can give them anything better than that! You have it good girl and best of all it's all you! You never gave up when all the odds were against you! You never let your heart go cold and bitter like so many do. It's may be a rocky road sometimes but all that means is it's time to tighten the belt and give a little more fight! You've been through worse!

When all else fails...look beside you! Sometimes the best words for comfort are those that say "I don't know what to say" At least it's something reminding you that there are people that care. Don't push them away, lean on them! Besides you have the best bestie a girl could ask for! The rest of the world should be jealous and probably is too!

All In All, live with that heart but know when to check it at the door. Patience is still a lesson you need to learn better! Trust comes with time. Success is yours for the making! Love is just around the corner!

Keep your head up! There are people that would Kill to see you fall!