Sunday...so far

So they are finally home!!!! Napping now too from too much fun! God how I miss their little faces so much when they are away. I'm thinking it's going to be best to let him hold me to our shared parenting agreement, at least through earning my associates degree. It's painful and tares my heart up but it gives me the time I need to be a success at school. The whole time doing so 'll keep track of the details and save the money to give him the fight of hs life! In other words, the lonely long stretch without them is going to be hard as hell just like it has been since I went from stay at home wife and mom to single working mom and threw college on top of it all. After all it's the struggles that make us stronger...Right?

I really wish I could shake the thoughts in my head and feeling in my heart. I hate missing someone like this. I hate worrying though I know he is safe. I hate wanting answers so badly that I know only time will reveal to me. I hate wanting so bad just to know what someone's voice sounds like. What they smell like. What they look like in person. It scares me to know end because of Link. Again I can't let the past into my present but aren't we suppose to learn from history?

I try so hard to just turn around and not look back. I can't! I try so hard not to let tears fall for Keeper, but they do. I do my best to feel nothing for him and all that gets me is caring even more. I look for signs that say run and all I find are signs saying be patient and just hold on.

It's just tough. IT would be different if t was someone I knew in the flesh before the distance became so much. Why me though. Why cross my path? Cause I'm tough enough? Only I'm at a point where I want that feeling that only he gives me to come as often as possible. It feels as if I spend days in line, holding a number waiting for my 10 minutes. I pace, get anxious, I get sad, I hold hope and then it's my turn. Absolute happiness like I only feel with him. All coming from small talk, not long conversation like before. It's what he can give me and I am grateful for that. I am feeling selfish though and want so much more. Even if it's 5 minutes a day.

This is what life with heart is though! Compromising and knowing sometimes I am going to hurt and when the pain stops it's replaced but the most amazing feeling that I never want to let go of! This is heart over hurt!