"That Girl"

I hate being "that girl". You know the one that loves everyone (well almost). The one who has too much heart and not enough common sense to let it go cold already. The one who loves men that will never love her the same. The one that can attract everyone that just end up saying "you're so special and such a gift and I wish I could be there." Awh bullshit. Yeah that's my view today and it's becoming my view more and more every damn day!

Why can't I just be a cold hearted, man hating bitch? It seems maybe then I wouldn't hurt so much. Or would I? Why do I have to be the one that gives a damn. Why do have to be the one that fell face first again for someone who so obviously doesn't care. Yeah he's busy but I bet everyone hasn't been ignored, just manly me. Nah I won't get mean again, I'll just do what I'm so Gd good at. Cry. Cry and get depressed.

Top it off J has made it easy today to just hate myself. Why is it his words still ring in my head even when I know they aren't true? I'm sorry I'm not the one with disposable cash at my finger tips. I'm not the one that puts material things above matters that would round my children to be loving individuals. I'd rather be poor my whole life than turn out like he did. His last text " You've never been shit and you never will be" Not only does it burn into my brain again I hear it in my head. I've heard it so many times I do believe it. Yeah another trigger huh. That's what my nap consisted of today, the day he stood in the kitchen throwing all my dishes against the garage door while I was locked in the garage. I relived it all today. Then to wake up and go back to sleep to remember the day leaving the fertility doc when he told me I couldn't even make a baby and that's one thing all women could do. He pointed that out as another example of that I would never amount to anything.

Yeah so I had two kids and lost a third. Am I a good mother though? I can't give them material things that he can. I can't guarantee they will always have the nicest clothes or the best toys. I can't guarantee I will be able to pay for their college. I can't guarantee I will be able to afford a car when they turn of age. I can't give them the biggest or best of anything but love. Look where love got me! Broken and built for a life all alone!

Maybe giving up would just be what's best. Quit school. Find a second job and just work to give them the material things every kid wants in life. Never attend any school function. Never watch them play sports. Never be at home to hold them when someone breaks their heart or their nose. Yeah you see how well I turned out Right?

Maybe they are better off without me. Hell maybe everyone is. God knows I'd make a lot of men happy being gone from this earth!

Yeah don't worry about me I'm too dumb to do anything stupid! I'm just pissed off and hurt> It doesn't help that I haven't kept food down all day either. Hey maybe I'll just stay sick for a while, puke my way to a skinny waist. Maybe then someone will give a shit!

Fuck this "I gotta be the one to be positive all the time", bullshit. cuk this I"I always gotta be tough", crock of shit. Being lonely flat out sucks bad and depresses the hell out of me. Work and school drain me to no end. The kids go to their dads and I am miserable without them and all alone for way too long. I can't rely on him to take them to one appointment without starting shit with me. I can't escape my past because it just flat out has me pissed off anymore. Why in the fuck did I let that be my life for 12 years!?!? Why! What is so wrong with me that no one can love me?!