It's not just the falling down that's hard

It's time to wrap up the lose ends. I've fallen again the last day or so, worse than I have in a long time. I've cried for the better part of over 24 hours. My body is still physically hurting. My mind is worn out. My soul is tired. I am officially overwhelmed.

January is the month that breaks me. I don't just remember that night, I remember the freezing cold night he locked me in the garage too. I remember last year sitting in court dealing with Link. This year there's even more stress and pressure on me too with work and school.

I went to the doctors over a month ago when my "episodes" started again. I am learning in school and the most important thing I learned was about frequency, duration and intensity. When I realized my "episodes" were becoming more frequent, lasting longer and knocking me down harder each time; I stepped up to get the help I needed. The first medication she put me on sent my blood pressure through the roof and my crying episodes were worsening. So now 'm back on Effexor. It was working too. I still have Ativan for real bad anxiety attacks but hate taking it unless I really need it. I hate taking meds period!! I want to control this on my own, but have to give in and realize sometimes I do need help.

It was about a half hour ago when I realized it was time to take my life back yet again. It's been weeks since I felt the need for the Ativan and now it's on board and my mind is back under control. It was after actually realizing, because I literally said it out loud, that I woke at 8 am this morning and the first thing I did was grab the bottle of Captain Morgans from the fridge. Never ever in almost 33 years have I drank alcohol at 8 in the morning.

Here's why I believe I fell. New Years Eve day, about noon, I get a text from J asking f he can just keep the kids New Years Day. I'm laughing because he's an idiot since it's his day. Wanting him to go away and not to call him the fool he is I simply text back yes it's your day anyways. About an hour later I get a text that says "No actually we share holidays, but I didn't want to bounce them back and forth." I simply text ok, even though he's wrong. By the shared parenting agreement we alternate holidays with the exception of Christmas. That s the only Holiday shared. What may be confusing him is that this year we shared Thanksgiving. It was my Holiday but he asked me if we could share it since he and his "new family" were having their first Thanksgiving with the new baby. Being that I really am fed up and done with the fighting, I agreed to it. So I let it go and kept working only later to receive a text that says "that's OK I actually WANT to be with my kids." Being the bigger person and so very done with fighting, I let t go with no reply. I guess to me that's just me not fighting back anymore. I often wonder if the first time he hit me, if I would have clobbered him back, would he have never laid a hand on me again? I guess that's when this all started; it's like a blow to my body again that he seriously can't just leave me alone!

Then there's real pressure. I didn't do very well in school last quarter and failed a class. I then earned a D in my winter mini quarter class. Now both classes need retaken. I have this quarter only to earn C's or above in 5 classes now (and I am trying to add a 6th class) OR I lose my grant and am out of the MHT program. have to and want to apply myself better! I want Dean's list. Have I mentioned how failure is one of my biggest fears? I still feel I waited too late in life to start chasing my dreams and with working full time and raising my babies I am defiantly stretched thin. *God give me strength!*

So I guess I'm going to end this saying, I fall sometimes and falling is very hard. Sometimes though, getting back up is even harder. Some days the quiet just kills me. Having a clean and organized house for too many days, drives me bonkers. While waiting on the pall to kick in I actually turned on cartoons and played with KK's dollhouse! Needless to say I'm so ready for my babies to come home! The hardest days I have break me because they aren't here. When I'm alone I don't feel needed at all and I don't know what to do then. As much as I looked forward to winter break from school I wish there was a way to go straight through until am done because this break crap gave me too much alone time!

To all who love me even when I fall, I'm sorry I can't control this better. I really do hate that I let this happen and I'm not tough 100% of the time! Sometimes I need alone time though and other times I say I do but that's only because I can't say I need you!