Quiet

It seems the longer I go and not talk about my past or my feelings the stronger they come back to me. It's quiet here; too quiet. I'm alone with my thoughts. I took a nap and woke in a moment I no longer want to hold onto. Just when I think the nightmares or whatever you want to call them are gone, here I am again and I don't know why. What's the trigger. What do I have to do to make this go away for good?

Let me paint the scene for you right now as I type. Maybe you could understand. I've had to open the bedroom door; so I can see if anyone comes down the hallway. Pretty absurd huh? There's no one here! No one coming! I've checked the locks a dozen times. I'm sitting on the floor, back to the wall with a view straight down the hallway. Knees to my chest, keyboard on top of them. Crying, shaking, sick to my stomach. Every few second I look up, still no one...WHY CAN'T I MAKE THIS STOP!

When I woke I got fully dressed; in case I need to get away! *No one's coming to hurt me I know, but I can't make this feelings stop.* My body hurts! Head to toe! My throat is tight and I can barely turn my head! My heart is pounding! *Why can't I stop crying?* In my head; every time I look down the hallway, I see the kitchen of our old home. Like I'm sitting in the garage looking in. *I knew this was coming. I've felt it since last night.* It's cold (yet the heat is on here and I'm sitting next to the vent) just like that night! I can barely swallow. My hair hurts from being pulled though no one's done that since that night.

Next to me is a kitchen knife. No one can hurt me* Why can't I get my mind and body to understand!? * My phone is tucked in my pocket and I keep checking to make sure it's there. I've picked it up and called time and temp three times now to make sure it works. When the heat stops running I can hear the garage door being kicked open. I hear him! I hear his words and it won't stop! What is wrong with me? Why won't it stop?!

Why me? Why do I have to keep living this? I expected this on the 14th. Not now! What's triggering it? That I haven't let it out recently? I don't think the meds can be upped any higher. don't want to take the other ones but know I am gong to have to. I want it to stop. I physically hurt so bad right now. That's the feeling I can handle! The physical pain always went away! It always stops. It always heals. I'd rather have a hundred more black eyes and bloody lips. I'd rather have all the hair ripped from my head again. I'd take the physical pain everyday if I could get rid of this fear once and for all! If I could stop hearing his words. If I could stop looking down this hallways! If I could stop crying and shaking and remembering.

I have to get out of here. I feel like a prisoner! I feel I am waiting on death to come take me by his hands. I can hear, see and feel that night 100% right now. I feel like a monster trapped inside myself! This is a bad day! This is my life when I fall. This is me letting him win but unable to control or stop what's happening right here and right now! This is me wishing he would have killed me that night so that I wasn't still living this today!