A Piece of my world

Recently I spent a lot of energy and emotion trying to figure out how to send someone a piece of my world. So much of me is a lot of heart that makes me too soft. Lately, a lot of me is scars surfacing from my past. Desperately I try to fight those demons, live life, be a great mom and a complete success. Today, I'm 100% me.

Here's roughly 48 hours of my world...

Yesterday morning I woke after 4 broken hours of sleep from KK being up in the middle of the night and then climbing in bed with me. See when she wakes up like that she climbs in bed with me and for at least a half hour she's a chatter bug. I love these moments because it's our quality time, me and her. As I was drifting off to sleep, she rolled over and draped her pudgy little arm around my neck and kissed the back of my head and said "mommy i loves you many as the stars are sky" A tear rolled down my cheek as I turned over and cuddled my baby who is becoming a little girl way to fast. Those moments are pure heaven while I feel guilt at the same time for not being there every moment for her.

Then 6am rolls around and as the alarm goes off in climbs lil man. We all lay and snuggle and they ask me to tickle them. We get about 15 minutes to play. Then it's out of bed, potty and dress the kids. I put a DVD on or get a special toy out and tuck them on the couch while get dressed. Before finishing myself up I go out to start the van and usually it's off to daycare. Yesterday though, our tight schedule was interrupted by a dead battery. After two failed attempts to make it on time, I call in a half personal day and get a battery. Frozen, worn out and stressed I have an hour and a half til my first class and I use this time to work on my online classes.

I sit through the most amazing class that really makes me think of the ways I need to complete myself. Class goes fast and it's off to work. Work is busy with slow work, aka Bid Work. It's securing my financial stability. It's working to hang onto all have accomplished and all the achievements I've made so far. After work went home to work on yet more online classes for an hour until my second class started. I sat in class from 7 to 9:15 and enjoyed that too yet I was daydreaming of bed and carrying a heavy heart with me.

I got home after stopping for coffee. I did the dishes (by hand *no dishwasher here), ran and folded two loads of laundry, swept the kitchen floor, picked up toys and KK's 30 pair of shoes. Took trash out and started reading for school. By midnight I was so tired I couldn't sleep. My mind and heart was in overload. So I said goodbye to someone who means a lot to my heart but is not the friend or support I need right now. Then I cried and hard. Last I looked at the clock it was 3:15 am.

At 6 this morning my alarm went off. My body hurts from lack of sleep. My stomach hurt and it's then I realized I hadn't had anything but a Mt. Dew and 3 coffees since about noon the day before. I drug but self out of bed, showered, grabbed a piece of bread with peanut butter and headed out for coffee. Worked. Came home for lunch to do school work. Ran to my mom's house, dropped a baby picture to my friend for a baby shower tomorrow, visited my baby brother and his girlfriend and her Friend, and then went baby shopping.

I strolled around the store just looking at everything. I picked out curtains I badly need for my house, a theme for my kitchen, and the most precious baby gift. I then got in my van and drove. Fast, Music LOUD! and cleared my head. I refocused. I hugged myself for a change and emotionally patted my own back. I'm tired and have bags under my eyes. My whole body aches. I have yet to eat a real meal. There's two dressers in the garage that need hauled into the kids rooms, see we are still piecing our house together because for once I have a home. My home a place my heart feels warm. A place my kids can grow and love.

I am a success with much more greatness to come. I don't have time for people that don't appreciate and respect my life. I run on minimal sleep, food and patience. My school, home, kids and real friends are my priority. Love every piece of me or don't waste my time. I am damn proud to be me. Proud to face every struggle like a woman. No one does the work for me. No one sleeps for me. I worked for ALL this. No one lays down next to me at night and hold and love me for who I am and my fight in this life. No one helps with the chores. No one raises, teaches or disciplines my kids here but me. No one controls any part of me, but me! I like that!

Now it's off to bed, after the dressers are at least into the living room and the last load of laundry is transfered. All to be back up for another busy day tomorrow. Tomorrow I am starting day 7 of Yoga, I hope it's what's helping me. I would give anything to go to the gym right now.

~Good Night from My piece of America~ This is the dream brave men and women fight for and I'm not taking one second for granted.